Friday 2 January 2015

The Last New Year's Resolution I Will Ever Need

I need to: quit smoking, become vegetarian, lose weight, gain muscles, be nicer to people, meditate more, spend less time of Facebook and Instagram. And spend more time reading the smart stuff I have been postponing for months. Noble projects doomed to fail?

There are two minds in my head: one tells me what would be good for me, the other is all ears. Preaching, cautioning, reprimanding. The teacher and the student. The parent and the child. Daily dialogues of my inner guardian with my struggling self. 

Should I be grateful for this guiding voice? Grateful for its patience - oh yes I have let it down many times. He tells me what fragments of me should be upgraded. If only I had a stronger will to follow its advice, would I become a better version of myself?

Ways to improve are many, I can hear proposals in real time. He doesn't like to see me so imperfect. He gives me a prospect of change. I can now see myself through his lens. I know what to do, what it takes. But the more attractive it feels, the more distant it seems.

Feelings of desire, uncertainty and fear running through my head. Louder, stronger arguments and conclusions. Analytic strategies how to trick myself into becoming a better me. But the kite of change slips off my hands even further.

The distance to the observer, the journey to succeed - they seem related. The more unhappy he is, the harder my goal seems. The pressure mounts and I feel like thumbing my nose at him. Delighting myself in being unsound. Defying his whims to see who I am for real. 

The preaching censor - is he even real? Alive, yet unblemished? Is he my saviour or a hank of fantasies? Where is he, when I am about to fail. Has he never felt shame with me? Always to far to be affected, too far to act. Collecting evidence, to hold it against me later.

What if  I vowed to let my better outlook die. Collapse in front of me, expose my vice. Let down my guardian mind, let him be mad. Invite him closer. Without the distance he cannot see my flaws. His voice fades away. The dialogue ends here.

I am calling off my journey. No need to plan how to become a better me. The futile train of thoughts won't burn my fuel again. The saved energy can act here and now, inspire more life. In this silence, I can sense where it longs to flow, what needs to come and go. 

How can I be so silent and idle facing my impulsive desire to change? With a single mind that cannot judge, conclude, suggest? Yes, I takes trust. But the change is inner-directed. I let it happen. When my mind is one, I am becoming someone now. 

I sense and allow what can happen in this moment. Another cigarette? No, if I feel it harms me here and now. Sit for a while in meditation? Yes, if I can connect with my inner desire to experience calm. In agreement, not in struggle. Another day, a whole new me will take me by surprise.

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